Saying the wrong thing on a first date is like bringing the hairball from your shower drain instead of flowers. It might work for Shrek, but it isn’t going to work for you. Everyone has at least one horrible first date story, and if you don’t watch what you say, you could find yourself topping someone’s list of worst dates ever.
Keep the Horn-dog in Check
1. “Do you have any STDs?” If you have to ask this question, you probably aren’t ready for a serious relationship. Plus, it will make your date wonder what STD you might have.
2. “When are you legal?” You have to at least pretend like you don’t have sex on your mind, especially if it can land you in jail.
3. “Didn’t I see you at Shotgun Willies?” Referring to your date and the local strip club in the same sentence is never a good idea. If you want to date a stripper, pick one up at the club.
4. “Want to grab a pizza and fu**?” If this line does work, be prepared for a special delivery nine months later or an unpleasant burning sensation lasting seven to ten days.
5. “Have you ever considered a threesome?” Focus on the person you’re with, not on your fantasy.
6. “What’s the average time you make a person wait before having sex?” Unless you’re on a date with another sexually starved individual, this will halt your home run before you even get to first base.
7. “Want to see the lingerie I bought you?” Do yourself a favor and stick to more traditional gifts.
8. “How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?” The only thing worse than a horn-dog is a creepy one.
9. “Do you want your own key to the hotel room?” Why can’t you take your date back to your place?
Don’t be Shallow
10. “How much do you make in a year?” You’re on a date, not a job interview. There are subtle ways to find this out without having to ask, so be creative.
11. “How much did you pay for your house?” If the night goes well, you might just get to see the place for yourself.
12. “What I’m really looking for is a trophy wife.” Most women want you to value them for more than their looks, so make sure you don’t offend the hot ones with trophy-wife potential.
Avoid the Creep Factor
13. “You never really know a person. I might just be a serial killer.” If you think this is funny, you might want to rethink your sense of humor. People want to feel safe with their dates.
14. “When can you move in?” Developing a quick relationship only works if your names happen to be Dharma and Greg. Asking this on a first date is sure to move you from potential to no way in hell.
15. “This is my first date since high school.” The older you are the worse this is. Other variations, like this is my first date since the divorce, puts pressure on your date.
16. “You’ll love my daughter; she’s your age.” Even if your date likes to date older individuals, she may not want to know you’re old enough to be her father.
17. “I’m not married—I just tan funny on that finger.” You’d better hope you’re on a date with a person who has an IQ less than 80 if you want this to work.
18. “You’re my first date since I got out of jail.” This just might send your date screaming from the room. Or you might get a face full of pepper spray.
19. “Do you mind if we eat first? I need to take my medication by seven.” There’s no reason to clue your date on to the crazy or the illness. He or she will find out soon enough.
20. “You remind me of my mom.” Women dread being compared to your mother. Either they will fall short of your expectations, or you’re looking for someone else to take care of you rather than a spouse.
21. “You look just like my ex.” Thinking you’re the rebound is bad enough. Knowing your date isn’t over an ex is a game ender.
Hide Loser Facts
22. “I still live with my parents.” If you’re over 18, get your own place. Even if your parents don’t mind you bringing people home, your current date may not be so comfortable.
23. “Can you pay for the date?” If you want to go Dutch treat, make sure you and your date are clear on this before you get to where you’re going.
24. “What’s the cheapest thing on the menu?” Most people don’t want to date someone in financial trouble. If you can’t afford the date, wait until you can.
25. “Want to see pictures of my cat?” Being close to your pet is one thing. Being obsessed enough to carry photos of Fluffy is another.
26. “I lost my job.” Why start the night on a negative note? The sympathy card might work in some cases, but in most your date will politely listen and then not return your call.
27. “I didn’t think anyone would like my Match.com profile.” Most people want to date someone with self-confidence. Doubting your ability to attract someone is anything but sexy.
28. “I’m not bald—it’s my solar love panel.” Joking about a physical flaw may work. Then again, it might just draw negative attention you don’t need.
29. “Isn’t the dollar menu here impressive?” If you aren’t a starving musician, cough up the extra money to take your date to a place worthy of a first impression.
30. “I can’t believe my credit card is denied.” You might as well pull out a red flag that says you have no financial management skills.
31. “My mom said you’d like the flowers.” If you want to come across as a push-over who is still attached to his mom’s apron, go ahead and say this.
32. “What do you think about the date so far?” Treating your date like a science project screams “Loser!” What are you going to do if the person doesn’t think it’s going well?
Don’t Insult Your Date
33. “How old are you anyway?” For many people, age can be a touchy subject.
34. “I know a guy who gives great discounts for boob jobs.” It’s okay to check out the twins on the down low, but commenting on a lack of cleavage doesn’t come across as charming.
35. “Wow. You’re not that dumb.” Left-handed compliments rarely impress a date. Find a real compliment to say.
36. “I thought you went to college.” Insulting a person’s intelligence won’t get you a second date. Plus, this question may provide way more information than you really wanted to know on your first date.
37. “Have you ever considered braces?” Keeping your opinion to yourself can be difficult when you’re sitting across from a grinning jack-o-lantern. If the rest of your date’s face looks good, you can always pay for braces later on.
38. “Would it be possible for you to dye your hair red?” Do you really want to make your date self-conscious? This can make a person clam up or trigger a defensive attitude. Either way, you’re not getting any.
39. “Have you ever considered taking Zoloft?” Your date may be crazier than Edward Hyde, but commenting on it isn’t the way to meet Jekyll.
40. “Can you cook for our next date?” Unless your date is a professional chef or bragging about their cooking talents, this is not the best question.
41. “How do you feel about washing laundry?” Do you want a relationship or a maid?
Don’t Mention the Inner Fatty
42. You sounded skinnier on the phone. You might just leave with a black eye if your date has a great right hook. If you manage to leave the place without ensuing physical harm, you can bet you won’t be getting a phone call—unless it’s to tell your you’re an ass.
43. “Are you sure you want to eat all that?” If the fork’s still moving, your date’s not done eating.
44. “Maybe we should skip dessert.” And miss your chance to feed each other? Sometimes a relationship can motivate a person to lose weight, so go ahead and have pie.
45. “You only want salad? Are you anorexic?” If your date does have an eating disorder, prepare for too much information or uncontrollable crying.
Keep the Tramp Stamp Under Wraps
46. “The last ten guys I dated were all great in bed.” Save the black book details for at least date three. You don’t need to bring up the roster until you’re at a more serious level.
47. “I hope your roommate didn’t kiss and tell.” Bros before hoes, and chicks before dicks. If they haven’t talked about you before the date, they will be after it.
48. “Thanks for meeting me early. I have another appointment later tonight.” Putting work before your dating life is always a signal that you’ll continue the trend.
49. “Know any cute, single guys?” Even if your date does, he’s probably not going to tell you after a question like that.
50. “I don’t think I have any kids, but you can never be too sure about that.” Flaunting your sexual irresponsibility isn’t the way to your date’s heart or bed.
If you want to move from dinner to the bedroom, or at least get a second date, you need to be more Casanova than dumb ass. Say the wrong thing, and you’ll feel like you’ve just stuck your foot in your mouth. And chances are, that probably wasn’t the body part you were hoping to press your lips against.
Image 1: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1195548
Image 2: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3253/2895785125_bf021daa5d.jpg
Image 3: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lipkee/2904603930/
Image 4: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/998138
Image 5: http://www.flickr.com/photos/45928872@N08/4239946192/
Image 6: http://www.marines.mil/unit/basecamppendleton/_layouts/imagemeta.aspx?image=http://www.marines.mil/unit/basecamppendleton/PublishingImages/20090922-M-3360I-001.JPG
Image 7: http://www.flickr.com/photos/technochick/595491058/
Image 8: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jparise/214330120/
Image 9: http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/tjh3AUuFCXfxxHd-lCZ0oA
Image 10: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bald_head.jpg
Image 11: http://www.flickr.com/photos/29650319@N06/3574868988/
Image 12: http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/I0hoVwBYbCbuQczMTy97GA
Image 13: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffmcneill/4188343615/lightbox/
Image 14: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nerdtech/220750/
Image 15: http://www.girlwithnoname.com/2010/07/what-happens-when-weight-loss-gets-carried-away/
Image 16: http://pixeloo.blogspot.com/2008/04/jessica-rabbit-untooned.html
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