25 Worst First Date Movies

27. June 2011

There’s nothing like a good movie to make a first date into something special. After all, what could be better designed to get people to connect than staring at a screen and not interacting with each other? If there was ever a great movie to see on a first date, it’s most definitely not any of these horrible, completely loveless films. See these with a date at your own risk.

1. Halloween

Horror movies are known to get your date to duck into the comfort and safety of your arms. However, the main murders in Halloween occur when a young guy and gal start making out, which totally defeats the purpose.
If your date wants to feel safe, she should run from you and let Michael Myers hack at you while she goes to the police. Halloween is truly one of the best and worst date movies out there.

2. Schindler’s List

You do realize this movie is about Nazis murdering millions of people, right? As if that wasn’t enough, it’s in black and white, which is sure to give your date a headache.

3. Pet Cemetery

Which part do you think is going to turn on your date: the part where people get buried and then come back, or the part where they start killing people themselves?

4. Christine

Way too many men already love their cars more than they could ever love a woman. Taking a woman to this is like her taking you to a movie with Eric Bana or Brad Pitt in it—totally unfair, and just a little intimidating.

5. Psycho

Do you think your date is going to want to take a shower with you, ever, after seeing this movie? Don’t count on taking her to a “romantic weekend” after this, either. Because you’ll undoubtedly end up burying her in a bog.

6. Fatal Attraction

So a guy cheats on his wife with a really hot woman, who ends up being a psychopath, who tries to kill everyone in her way. Other than giving your date cause to look at your ring finger five thousand times during the evening, this would also make most women wonder if this is the kind of behavior you expect from your lovers. Hot sex is all well and good, but murdering people is too much work for most girls to handle.


7. Titanic

You and your date are not nearly as much in love as Leo and Kate were in this film—and she still left him to die of hypothermia while she lay high and dry, even ten people could have fit on that floating thing. That’s the perfect relationship: you won’t have that with your date. Hope sank a long time ago.

8. Anything in 3D

First off, the plots of these movies are usually stupid. Secondly, nobody looks good in 3D glasses. Lastly, alternately winking your eyes and going “red world, green world” gets boring after about ten seconds.

9. When Harry Met Sally

Okay, so which part do you want to talk about afterward first? Do you want to discuss the part where she fakes an orgasm, or the part where they don’t end up together in the end? Overall, this sets every kind of bad precedent you can think of on a first date. You should stick to Titanic.

10. 9 1/2 Weeks

Are you athletic and daring enough try the kinds of sex you’ll want to have after seeing this movie? If so, you’d better understand where your limitations lie, or you’ll end up in bed with your back out, and she’ll end up in the emergency room with a food item stuck…somewhere. And that’s if your date is freaky enough to not be intimidated by this movie.

11. Saw 1, 2… Onward into Infinity

Not to be sexist, but any movie named after a power tool is not likely to impress a woman. Add to it that it features a guy reaching into a toilet, a guy sawing off part of his own anatomy, and you have a film no women will want to watch while being romantic.

12. Basic Instinct

This movie is great because it has hot scenes. It isn’t so great because it features the heroine stabbing a man, and another man shooting his girlfriend. Again, these are not ideas you want to convey about yourself or inspire in your date, unless you’re a flaming masochist.

13. Pearl Harbor

What’s a better movie for a date than one featuring a doomed romance? A movie featuring graphic CGI of intense, bloody battle scenes. Yeah, Ben Affleck striking out while he shoots people full of holes is going to make your date adore you. Not.

14. Romeo and Juliet

Oh, yeah; nothing like a pair of teenagers falling hopelessly in love and eventually killing themselves to make the loving feelings flow, right? Why don’t you just go watch Gladiator or 300—bloodier, but at least the violence isn’t because of two young people in love.

15. Sicko

This combines two of the best things about first dates: discussing politics and thinking about having a serious illness. All you need now is something involving genital mutilation like in Antichrist, and you’d have the perfect date movie. Have you ever been on a date before?

16. Fahrenheit 9/11

Again with the politics. Yes, we’re involved in a ridiculous war we can never really win. Pass the popcorn? This might be a good movie to take your girlfriend to, if you’re 16, and this is the only place you can make out. If you’re grown, act like it; watch this movie with your conspiracy theorist friends, not someone you’re trying to woo.

17. An Inconvenient Truth

So, the human race could be eliminated by a self-imposed Armageddon that ruins our biosphere, just because the capitalist pigs want to make an extra billion burning the ground up for corpses of ancient plants and animals? Ooh, that’s what the ladies like there, Casanova.

18. Mad Max

In the future, mankind shall turn on itself and become murderous and barbarous in the barren wasteland the world will become. So, what exactly does this say about your relationship prospects, anyway? Being positive is way better than watching Mel Gibson in the days before we knew his real views.

19. Silence of the Lambs

So you take her to watch a suave murderer who serves human flesh to unsuspecting people. Don’t act surprised if you surprise her with Hannibal’s signature “hello…” and end up waking up later in a pile of your own teeth.

20. Hulk

There’s nothing quite like seeing a man’s repressed anger explode to the surface to make a woman want to spend lots of time cuddled up to you … hoping you can control the raging spirit within.

21. Forrest Gump

Forrest has sex with one woman, who ends up dying of AIDS. He also meets a lot of people who end up meeting grisly deaths not long thereafter, while he watches his mother and his best friend pass away. All of this annoys a steady stream of random people on a bus stop. Why would you take a woman to see something so depressing?

22. A Nightmare on Elm Street

Why would you take a woman to a movie where a girl falls asleep in a bath tub, and a clawed hand begins extending upward from between her legs? For that matter, why would you want to see a movie like that? That’s pretty terrible from either gender’s perspective.

23. Dune

Somewhere between the hideously deformed fat man spitting on a woman, and the guys who put on desert S&M gear before activating ancient, blocky CGI armor, this movie became the exact opposite of an aphrodisiac.

24. The Matrix

Yes, Keanu Reeves has a nude scene. Yes, the entire world is a false construct put forth by an evil computer that drains our energy. These are not perfect conversations to make love blossom.

25. The Never Ending Story

You know that somewhat hot child-like empress? She’s pushing 40 now—but your date still won’t find it funny if you elbow her and say, “Yeah, I’d hit that.”

When you watch a movie on a first date, you have to be very careful what it connotes about your possible future together. Pick badly, and suffer the consequences for your mistake. If you pick the wrong movie, you are guaranteed to die alone.

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