Why to Avoid the Girl With “Crazy Eyes”

1. August 2011

Every man knows not to date a crazy woman (and vice-versa). While the chances of her doing something really entertaining are very high, there’s also too much of a chance she’ll end up doing something horrible.

It’s all fun and games when she’s taking up manhole covers and arranging them into smiley faces outside your front door, but when somebody loses an eye or a tooth to an “accident,” it isn’t so funny anymore. Crazy eyes has been noted on popular sitcoms like How I Met Your Mother (see image), because it is a growing phenomenon. Want to know why you should avoid that hottie with crazy eyes? Keep reading!

She Might Sacrifice Somebody you Know

Human sacrifice is a growing problem in the modern world. Rather like bed bugs, sacrificial victims have become en vogue over the past few years, as insane people have traveled the globe in search of enough souls to feed to their evil deities.
While freedom of religion is a vital component of a free society, there are times when freedom needs to take a back seat to security and sanity. Unfortunately, far too often a crazy woman is just the type to start sacrificing people, whether it’s an appropriate time or not. One of those inappropriate times is when the sacrificial victim is a cripple, or if they’re someone you know.
A crazy-eyed woman might not be able to identify the signs of an imperfect sacrifice. Worse still, she may even try to sacrifice your best friend, or a drinking buddy who owes you a round. Fortunately, you can save yourself and your social circle by just not dating her in the first place.

She Might Mistake you for a Hat

There have been occasions throughout history where husbands and wives have accidentally mistaken one another for articles of clothing designed to adorn one’s head. In a case like this, panicking can quickly turn deadly. A crazy woman who thinks you’re a hat might believe that you’re actually a possessed, evil hat if you start to protest her attempts to accessorize you into her wardrobe. If she believes you’re an evil hat, she may launch into a holy crusade to “cleanse” you of your unholy passenger.
The downside to all religious crusades, be they against possessed hats or people who may actually be possessed hats, is that ultimately they end up causing serious harm to the local peasantry. If the crazy-eyed woman ends up pulling a Don Quixote, even local windmills may not be safe from her unyielding wrath.
Before attempting to engage in a defensive strategy against your modern day Joan of Arc, consider that she may just be doing her civic duty. There is nothing intrinsically evil about mistaking a human being for a hat. We all make mistakes sometimes. How many times have you mistaken a friend for a punching bag, or mistaken a cat for a sponge? There is rarely anything to be enjoyed about being mistaken for a hat.

She Might Turn Your Life Into Hers

Do you want to have a woman dominate your life? If you enjoy being tied up, whipped and told how bad of a boy you’ve been while you lick her boots, this could actually end up being a blessing in disguise. Unfortunately, most types of domination are not so loving and kind.
As a matter of fact, dating a crazy woman tends to end up turning your life into nothing more than an extension of her own, as your schedule constantly surrenders to hers and your needs are met with blank-faced ignorance. There is no malice intended, in most cases. To a crazy woman, you don’t have a schedule beyond the service of hers.
If she’s late, it’s because she had a valid reason. Perhaps a little bird told her a local super villain was planning a major heist, and after she told the police she had to fight her way out of their custody. Things like this happen all the time to crazy women, so it should come as no surprise. But just you try being late even once, and see how understanding she turns out to be about the matter. When it comes right down to it, a crazy woman is going to take all of your time.

She Will Mess Up Your Existence

Have you ever been so thoroughly messed up that nothing you thought about would come out properly? Have you ever been so confused that it seems your entire world was made up of nothing but scattered thoughts and broken dreams? While this is usually only the purview of extremely emotional teenagers and drug addicts, the crazy women bring it out in everyone’s life.
Usually, a crazy woman has no idea what order really means. She might keep it together for a little while, but beware–if her car is a mess, and her eyes dart all over the place when she talks to you, there’s something fishy going on inside her head.
That fish might seem like a tasty treat at first, but ultimately you’ll live to regret the fact that comparing insanity to sea creatures almost makes sense when you’re exposed to it for a long enough time. Be warned: if you let a crazy woman into your life, she will turn it into her vision of order, which is anything but neat.

She Might Try to Take Over the World

As Tears for Fears would say, everybody wants to rule the world. Super villains hide in every abandoned warehouse, and rumor has it they occupy half of the unused rail cars in the country. When it comes to budget conscious ways of seizing power, however, the best super villains are women who have crazy eyes.
While you might not think that the woman you’re dating could blow up Australia or threaten the UN with another monster to terrorize Tokyo, you need to follow up on it if you start getting suspicious. After all, when do you want to know there’s a problem? Would you rather see the warning when she’s just spending a lot of time in her lair and ranting about the “old world order,” or do you really want to be surprised by the Justice League storming your home when she finally takes her plan live?
Just because you’re technically innocent doesn’t mean the Avengers will cut you any slack, either. Captain America may be a good guy, but he’s a very bad man when the security of his country falls under threat. So nip your involvement with any world-conquering activities in the bud by just not dating these crazy women.


Crazy women can be downright adorable, and may even be extremely loving. However, when you consider the potential for them to mistake you for a hat, sacrifice your friends and maybe even take over the world, the danger level just becomes too great. No matter how hard up for a date you may be or how long it’s been, resist the urge to go with a crazy woman. In the end, your life will be better for it.

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